Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
