i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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