We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
