So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
