why didn't you poke me back
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
