We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
