I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
