Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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