Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
