do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
