Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
