Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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