apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
