i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
