We named our party play list daddy issues
you traded sex for a burrito?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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