I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
