Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
