i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
