I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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