Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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