i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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