I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
