why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
