I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
