I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
