I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
