I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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