Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
