did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
