I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
