Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
