pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
