my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
