nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
