i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
foreskin is a definite game changer
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
