The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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