There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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