i'm signing you up for texting rehab
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
