So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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