i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
