no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
40s are totally the cure
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
