i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We're too hungover to prance.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
