Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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