just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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