Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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