I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
