I think my fart just growled at me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
