I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
