call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
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