Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
