remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
